


Move

by amdnj



Category: Kamen Rider Drive
Genre: Depression, Gen, Suicide mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 18:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4189635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amdnj/pseuds/amdnj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shijima Gou's POV around a scene in episode 33</p>
            </blockquote>





	Move

It's almost as if the second that stupid tablet is in his hands, a cork has been puled from a bottle that has long since been on the verge of bursting. It's easy not to break when you're too fucking focused on something at the moment. When you have a goal, when you have a destination, your feet can easily be brought up and forward, and you can keep moving. However, once you've achieved that goal in the wake of everything you've done, can you really keep moving?

His eyes flicker over to Chase, and he's not even sure what the fuck his stomach is even doing. Pooling in regret? Jealousy? Hatred? Resentment? Disappointment? Is there a war for the tar that clogs up his system and yet sets his whole body a blaze? That sticks his feet to the floor, making every step near impossible and yet makes his whole essence feel like is burning alive and the only solution is to run, scream, and yell?

His own voice sounds foreign to him as he explains the situation to Chase, lifting up the tablet and staring over the bridge. Every word is harder and harder to say and more and more autopilot. Every part of the explanation is hollow and he wonders if he's really stopped playing pretend to the careless act he had on to infiltrate the roidmude. He wonders if he ever really got himself back.

Was it really worth it? He can feel his eyes gloss over as he looks down at the water, his elbows hitting the railing without much care to how hard. The tar in his system prevents him from even fucking caring. For a moment, he wonders if he could throw himself over the ledge without Chase saving him. Would he even get over the ledge before the other reacted? Probably. Would he hit the water before the other saved him? Maybe. Would he die? Probably not.

_For a moment he just wants to_ _**stop.** _

But all he knows how to do is move. To keep going. He doesn't know how to stop. He doesn't know how to breathe. He doesn't know how to do anything but focus on a task and keep running until his fucking feet stop working, until his legs give out from underneath him. His hands clench on the tablet, and he tries to continue on the goal he's set. Destroy all the roidmude. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Focus. Move. Move. Move.

He can't let himself get stuck. He can't let this feeling of despair swallow him. He won't survive. He won't be able to start again, but his eyes remain unfocused even as he tries to tell Chase about just why he took this stupid hunk of machinery. Don't think about.....Don't think about....Do not think about.

"But I let Shin-Nii-San Die."

The memory plays over and over and over in his head. Louder and louder. A loud screaming, screeching, burning noise. A car alarm in his head that gets louder and louder, and the only way to get it to stop is to throw the whole fucking car over. His body starts to shake, and suddenly, everything is too hard. Everything is too heavy. He drops to his knees, the only support he has is his hands clutching that stupid fucking tablet as the memory plays over and over and over again. His eyes remain unfocused, distant as he tries desperately to convince himself it was worth it. It was. The roidmude. He could. He could.....

_But Shin-Nii **Died.**_

He'd done this for Kiriko too right? And that thought only makes it worse. The alarm in his head gets louder and more frenzied as if the fucking car is setting itself on fire in its desperate wails to end its miserable screeching suffering.

"I've never seen Nee-chan so sad before...I was supposed to be fighting for her happiness.."

Resting his head against the tablet, his shaking gets worse, and suddenly he wants to throw up, scream, something anything to remove this desperate sense of panic and self-hatred and despair from his system. Everything immediately....immediately. The memory plays over and over. Every memory plays over and over. All of his mistakes. Every sense of hatred and doubt. Every single wrong thing he's said. Every fuck up he's ever done.

"But I threw it away!"

Suddenly, in some frantic attempt at moving again, he slams his fucking foot on the gas pedal. Every since feelings is converted to self-hatred which fuels the shrieking car called his pathetic fucking life that he's going to hurl right over this stupid  bridge. He shoves himself up and tries to toss the tablet over. He's going to toss himself over right after. He's going to rectify every mistake. Shinnosuke had nearly died. So he should. Nee-chan probably hated him anyway. So what did it matter? This was the only way to get him to stop. The only way to get his feelings to stop. The only way to stop was to screech the fucking wheels on the pavement and keeping going to his death. To throw himself over board.

Chase's hand on him brings him to the real world, and all of his anger and hatred is thrusted in another direction.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! How could you understan-" Because how could he understand? How could he understand? How could he understand how desperately he has to make up for the shit that he's done? How could he understand how his whole fucking system is burning him alive?

Chase's fist halts him entirely, and as his back hits the floor hard, there's a part of him his pride doesn't control that tells him hes deserves that. That wants Chase to hit him again.  To yell at him and tell him how fucking pathetic he is. To tell him how he messed up. To tell him that he can't fix everything and to give him the tablet and throw himself over.

"GET YOUR MISERABLE HANDS OFF ME" The prideful part of him is far too fucking loud for any of that honestly.

"It's clear to me now that you're a real Kamen Rider, risking his life to defend humanity."

Everything halts. Every sound in his head, every feeling in his core just suddenly....stops. No. No. NO. Chase of all people can't fucking tell him that. He's the rider that destroys. He's the bad rider. He's the son of Banno. He's worth nothing. He's garbage that just has to keep moving. Be louder and more extravagant to prove he's even remotely worth something. He has to...

"Continue down the path you were headed, Gou."

All he wants to do is throw himself fucking overboard.

_Why won't you let me?_

He's pulled into a sitting position as Chase keeps talking, but he can only focus on some of the words.

"...Maybe you can protect Kiriko's happiness."

His system feels like its on fire again because there's no fucking way that's still possible. He can't. Shinnouke is dead. He's dead and it's his fault. How can he protect happiness after that? How can he look her in the eyes again? How can he convince himself that he deserves to live?

"I overheard that Tomari Shinnosuke's belt cannot be removed from his body....I have a hard time believing that Krim is dead..."

And everything halts again only to whirl to life....Because...because...this stupid piece of junk that he sacrificed everything for might be able to fix things.

Maybe he can...Maybe he can.

He can move again. Move again and ignore the feelings again.

Running away from your own feelings is so much easier when you have a destination.

 

 


End file.
